Recess

Last night was a night of Inception, Rock Band, and ping pong. This morning I had Catan, followed by meditation. A few nights before that, Conan and I had a nice conversation about relationships, after which I am more certain of the type of person I am, and with it the height from which I've fallen. The metaphorical ledge from which I've leapt was guided not just by faith (though I'd like to believe), but also by my encumbering pride, the one thing I feel I could never let go.

But my life is different, that I have no doubt. If you knew me before, you'd know that after I decided to follow Christ, my life has changed for the better. I view things with a new lens, the purpose of life is clearer. We are more than just masses of tissue, than chains of amino acids, than just carbon bonds waiting to be broken. No, there is more to life than this. The hate we have for injustice, the joy we share with our friends, the love we have for our family, the emptiness we feel even after the most epic of galactic battles... these emotions penetrates and will perpetuate throughout the rest of our lives.

My life is different. But in so many ways they remain the same. I still have the same need for gaming, the same fervor for logical reasoning, the same condescension for those around me, the same paradoxical behaviors that make up who I am. I want a 4.0 GPA but refuse to study diligently. I teach discipline but often fall to negligence. I like solitude but cannot help being with people, talking to those I care about, and missing those I like. Perhaps I should rephrase: I am not interested in a relationship right now but my subconscious seems to tell me otherwise. Not that I see anything bad with that last point, I am merely drawing attention to my own inconsistencies. As Cobb from Inception would put it: "It's my subconscious. Remember, I can't control it." And I assure you, you have no idea what I lock away in that safe in the darkest recesses of my mind. No idea.

Though following tradition, what I wrote is purposefully ambiguous, I can say this: I have many flawed fibers in my being, the imperfections I hide seeps out like a plague any time I fail to pay attention. Sometimes I'm forced to wonder: who will take me in this state? I myself am my biggest enemy. And who can save me from myself? 

But I know I can take refuge in the fact that someone already has. It will at least be a peaceful recess until my doubts creep in again.

My thought process