To come

So much to write about, so much to tell. But with time flying by, I can hardly write well. In fact, over the past few years the caliber of my writing has fallen so much that if my old self were to read it, he would sigh, weep, and finally slap me in the face, disowning me for regressing so far back. Alas, that is not the main reason I'm writing. "At least one blog entry per month."

In a few days I'll write more, specifically about my dad, my roommate, my God, and my apparently amazing/adorable white friend... not necessarily in that order.

Original: http://tcfish.blogspot.com/2011/04/to-come.html

Addicted to Love

Hi, I'm Tony and I have a love addiction.

Despite knowing nothing about what love means, I find myself inextricably tied to it. I cannot live life without loving people. That is at any point in time there has to be someone that I love, that I care about. Lucky for me, I have a great family to both love and from which to receive the same, if not more. Furthermore, I have God, not that we loved him, but that he loved us. But the love I speak of is not mere love among family, nor is it platonic, nor is it Godly. As much as I hate to admit, it is often of a romantic nature.

I need someone to love, to care about, to pour my life into. I want to protect her, to comfort her, to see her smile, make her laugh, share her pain, and to simply hold her hand through life. I want to make sure that she knows that she'll always have someone to complain to, that when the world hates her I will love her, that in times when I fail God will not. To love a girl and submit to one another in perfect love, the kind of love that drives out fear. That type of love! That is what I want. The sad part is that I find myself falling in love with this image I have.

I love the concept of being in love. I love the idea of loving someone, the feeling of being loved back. I love having a person to share life with and to always be around. But this concept has long evolved from its original pure form... it has long lost all semblance of love. It almost seems that I treat having a love as more important than who that love is. It's as if all I need is to have love and that the direction of the love is irrelevant. Has the concept of love replaced the object that I am to love?

I have fallen in love with ministry and lost sight of why I'm doing it. I have fallen in love with leading bible studies, with memorizing scripture, with reading the Bible. That love has replaced the person that I'm doing it all for. I have fallen in love with knowledge and not with knowing God.

No, this is not love. It can't be. Love is about the person, not the motions we go through. Whether it is with her or with God, I will not fall in love with love itself. I refuse. Perhaps one day, when I finally break this addiction, I'll stop looking for substitutes and go for the real thing.

Original: http://tcfish.blogspot.com/2011/03/addicted-to-love.html

Recess

Last night was a night of Inception, Rock Band, and ping pong. This morning I had Catan, followed by meditation. A few nights before that, Conan and I had a nice conversation about relationships, after which I am more certain of the type of person I am, and with it the height from which I've fallen. The metaphorical ledge from which I've leapt was guided not just by faith (though I'd like to believe), but also by my encumbering pride, the one thing I feel I could never let go.

But my life is different, that I have no doubt. If you knew me before, you'd know that after I decided to follow Christ, my life has changed for the better. I view things with a new lens, the purpose of life is clearer. We are more than just masses of tissue, than chains of amino acids, than just carbon bonds waiting to be broken. No, there is more to life than this. The hate we have for injustice, the joy we share with our friends, the love we have for our family, the emptiness we feel even after the most epic of galactic battles... these emotions penetrates and will perpetuate throughout the rest of our lives.

My life is different. But in so many ways they remain the same. I still have the same need for gaming, the same fervor for logical reasoning, the same condescension for those around me, the same paradoxical behaviors that make up who I am. I want a 4.0 GPA but refuse to study diligently. I teach discipline but often fall to negligence. I like solitude but cannot help being with people, talking to those I care about, and missing those I like. Perhaps I should rephrase: I am not interested in a relationship right now but my subconscious seems to tell me otherwise. Not that I see anything bad with that last point, I am merely drawing attention to my own inconsistencies. As Cobb from Inception would put it: "It's my subconscious. Remember, I can't control it." And I assure you, you have no idea what I lock away in that safe in the darkest recesses of my mind. No idea.

Though following tradition, what I wrote is purposefully ambiguous, I can say this: I have many flawed fibers in my being, the imperfections I hide seeps out like a plague any time I fail to pay attention. Sometimes I'm forced to wonder: who will take me in this state? I myself am my biggest enemy. And who can save me from myself? 

But I know I can take refuge in the fact that someone already has. It will at least be a peaceful recess until my doubts creep in again.

My thought process

老了

我這次回台灣突然發現老了很多，
我認識的人有些畢業了在找工作然後有些已經工作很久了。
之前算學弟的都畢業了我這樣還有臉見人嗎？
要不是我臉皮超厚有完全不care他人的眼光我還能出去找朋友嗎？

我在加拿大就覺得很老了，那些18歲的小孩跟我差的真的很多，
好險我天生就長的＂幼齒＂。嗯。個性好像也是...
其實這次會覺得老很多是因為三件事情:
1. 我去醫院看我外公時遇到一個阿姨帶著六歲左右的小朋友。我們一起上電梯的時候阿姨就跟小孩講：＂問叔叔要到幾樓＂
小孩回：＂叔叔你要到幾樓＂
我說一樓。
然後阿姨又說：＂你看叔叔多乖，都沒有給護士麻煩＂
小孩竟然也對我說：＂叔叔你好乖喔＂
我完全沒辦法回他，只能笑笑的說＂對啊＂
我那時是第一次被陌生人叫叔叔，好悲傷喔。
2. 我去光華商場逛街時在一家電買一個3.5mm音響線跟老闆談到台幣升值和我現在沒錢。
他就問我：＂怎麼會沒錢？你今年年終獎金多少？＂
我看起來真的像已經工作那麼久的人嗎！？我是有在part-time寫程式，但我還故意打扮得有點學院風啊！其實也沒有，就戴眼鏡而以...
3. 再來就是去宜蘭的高山伯朗咖啡館時有一個年輕爸爸帶著4-5歲女兒看風景。
看到我過去就請我幫他們照相。我照完後他就跟他女兒講：＂說謝謝叔叔＂。
那小女孩是很可愛的對我笑，我覺得是太害羞了所以沒說話。
真的好可愛喔～
但這不是重點！為什麼我是叔叔！？為什麼？我明明就看起來一副大哥哥樣子啊！
我不要～　T.T

外帶一提，我剛跟我阿嬤看完夜市人生。想說這次回來要好好陪她。我隨便做什麼或說什麼她都好高興喔。看了我也好高興。
還有我用我的破爛台語跟她傳福音了，雖然她不接受但希望透過我跟她講的綜多事情她以後會改觀。這次竟然沒有說基督教的壞話而只是說她太老了。心軟化了！要多禱告。

黯然銷魂家

難得在台灣竟然會有半天的時間讓我休息，半天沒有約任何人或做任何事。

每一天不是約很久不見的朋友出來就是尋找從來沒吃過的美食。

現在體重暴增的很誇張... 如果有gym多好, 這樣就可以多多利用那些熱量...

那我這半天要做什麼呢？思考好了。

往窗外看，

曾經蔚藍的天空現在被濃厚的烏雲所蓋住，

每次返台起床都看不到太陽也感受不到清晨的溫暖。

這種天氣會讓人不想起床，起來了以後也會讓人漫無目的的在家裡閒晃。

我想念被黎明的曙光叫醒, 在有暖氣的房間慢慢的摺好棉被，穿好衣服。

然後在滿滿窗戶的家悠哉的度過沒有約會的一天。

啊～

好久沒有過這種生活了，好久沒有讓我感覺到時間是可以這樣子浪費。

還我太陽，還我溫暖，還我青春！

時間過的太快了，不知不覺我真的浪費了好幾年的青春...

No more.

Airport Musings

7.83Mb/s download
7.67Mb/s upload
Toronto's Pearson International Airport has faster and better internet than UOIT, by far.
It still doesn't beat my fiber optic at home but for a public insecure wireless network, I'm impressed.

It's technology like this that makes me wet my pants (figuratively speaking of course).
As I stand in this ever-growing line of people, waiting to check-in for the flight at 12:55 Christmas Eve, I found myself with nothing better to do but blog.

Despite having signs everywhere talking advertising free wi-fi, no one else is using their computer except me. Are they just not as awesome and carry their laptops wherever they go (including the bathroom)? Or... actually, there is no alternative. I'm just too awesome. So awesome that I can write about absolutely nothing yet, using the linguistic tools at my disposal, craft a blog article worthy of being called a masterpiece... not. I'm too tired and lazy to put too much thought into writing, at least not right now.

It is often during the end a long journey that one stops to reflect on all the one has done. It is only during this brief repose at the airport check-in line that I have finally found the time to think about my semester. What exactly did I do?

I took 6 courses, including the accursed algorithms and PDP-10 filled operating systems. I've never had to work this long on assignments. I have a new found appreciation for middleware, which does all this annoying crap for you. But I suppose I learned a lot from this semester.

I also led a connect group, which was the best connect ever. I had a really cool co-leader (Amberlea) and a bunch of all-too-shy freshmen. But near the end I think everyone opened up a lot more, which is good. I sincerely hope that apart from being graced with such cool leaders (which I'm sure they all agree), they grew a lot in knowledge and depth of insight.

Working was not bad either. I admit that rather than testing software I'd much rather program, it's a nice change of pace from the normal programming that I have to do for school. Since I write scripts for my own life too, it'd be overkill if I programmed for school, work, and play.

I also made a lot of new friends. I had no idea some people liked evangelism as much as I did, it's truly encouraging. Growing closer with the people in my program was a plus too. One grows a bond with one's fellow brother in arms. Some may have fallen, but most of us survived... I think. I couldn't go to the gym as often as I wanted to this semester. But at least I went one last time with some connect members after finals. We're going again next semester, for sure.

Now, from the time of starting this post to this point, I have moved from the check-in line, passed the security, and is now waiting in front of the boarding gate, furiously typing in the hopes of finishing my blog before I have to board the plane.

基恩, 你讀到這裡了話就代表你知道我回去台灣的時間了. Too bad.

My friends in UOIT, I will return soon. Until then, do something exciting. I know I will.
I just realized how boring this blog post was, I'll make it more amusing next time. Too bad it'll be in Chinese so a lot of you won't understand. Suck it up and learn Chinese.

Tired 誒...

I feel like I am disregarding my English speaking friends like this, but I'm too tired to care.

最近一直在忙, 我從來不知道原來學校可以讓人這麼煩
是有一點累, 畢竟連續幾天只睡3-4個小時會讓人很沒有精神
但最主要的問題是壓力
誒...

我暑假(後半段)還不是每天從早上九點工作到十二點, 連周末都要做...
那個時候是身體累, 但是生活算是無憂無慮
反正就工作嗎... 不就是上班, 工作, 下班, 睡覺
就算沒做完隔天在做就好了, 或者加班把它趕完
那時根本沒有什麼壓力可言
現在有不知道做的做不了的作業, 有讀很久還讀不懂的書, 複習很久還是fail的考試, 花很多時間還是寫不出來的程式
誒...

和班上的人感情比較好了, 因為只有我們才可以完全的了解這些東西有多難
而且我還比他們多上一堂課! 他們都說我瘋了, 哈哈哈... 或許吧沒寫過電腦程式的人不知道有時候要寫一個完整的程式需要費多少時間, 腦力, 咖啡...
然後有效率的sort (n log n)一個小小的array(不能用內建library)需要花幾十個小時, 死hash table, !@#$#
誒...

Maybe I'm just dumb. All these things can't possibly be that hard. I used to think I'm a genius, or at least an incredibly smart individual.
I mean who else can master everything from foosball to integrals to multiple languages to Unreal Tournament?
Perhaps what they say about pride leading to downfall is true...
Why the heck is this in English?
誒...

我現在連中英文都沒辦法好好分清, 太誇張了
一直自我感覺很良好的超人累了, 我不太能在叫自己超人了...
誒...

但我發現我越來越依靠神了
我發現當我們人終於感受到自己的不足時 神會漸漸的被重視
如果我們人生所有東西都很順利 我們不會想到去親近神, 去請求祂幫助我們
人就是那麼現實那麼卑微的動物...
誒...

所以我很感謝神給我那麼多壓力
我感謝神在我終於渡過一個難關時給我另一個難關
我感謝神現在還是持續的輔導我, 幫助我解決所遇到的所有問題
我感謝神給我信心去相信祂, 永不離棄祂
神真的很棒, 為什麼我一些朋友不想去認識祂?
誒...

我很累, 但我有耶穌, 所以我不會有問題的